Postpartum: the unexpected tsunami (Second wave, the emotional onslaught)

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a motherhood is a cocktail of feelings that is not always easy to manage," assures Virginia (Amsterdam, mother at 37). "For me, the psychological process was more difficult than the physical one," explains Saskia (Eindhoven, mother at 31). What Anna (Balaguer, mother at 29, 31 and 36) remembers most about her three post-births is "the hormonal revolution and, consequently, emotional: I couldn't understand why I felt like crying if everything had gone well and I had a healthy and beautiful baby in my arms." Is it normal to feel this way? Rosa Alzuria, midwife at the ICS (Institut Català de la Salut) and associate professor of Nursing at the UdL (Universitat de Lleida), assures that it is. "It is normal to feel a certain emotional ambivalence: joy, fear, uneasiness, dread (will everything go well?), tiredness-exhaustion, irritability, anxiety… it is the so-called postpartum blues, a common and expected emotional process in the puerperium that, little by little, will resolve itself," she explains.

But just because it's normal doesn't mean it's easy. "What I remember most about the first few weeks is the feeling that the situation was overwhelming me from all sides. Every day I woke up crying from exhaustion, thinking I wouldn't be able to do it well," recalls Nuria (Lleida, mother at 37). For Anna, "the worst part is that you come home with a helpless person who depends on your care and your partner's, and that no one has really taught you anything. You learn at the pace they grow and always with that uncertainty of whether you are doing it well or not." Virginia, for her part, believes that it is urgent to start preparing for post-births in a more emotional and less logistical way. "We need to provide more information about the emotional, psychological part, about the sidereal and vital journey that bringing a child into the world will entail in a woman's life and body. No one gives us guidelines on how to combat the tremendous loneliness, the fears, the overwhelming responsibility, the vulnerability, the invasion we feel, the disappointment, the hormonal imbalance," she states.

WHAT IS NOT TOLD

Do women talk clearly enough about the puerperium? "I don't think so," comments midwife Rosa Alzuria. "In fact, I think sometimes women are reluctant to talk openly in case they influence other mothers... The same ones who end up asking: why didn't you tell me?" Nuria, for example, would have liked someone to tell her that "your life changes forever, you will never be the same person again. It may sound a bit childish but it's something that affected me a lot. I don't really know how to explain that feeling of missing the person you were before." Saskia also doesn't think women talk openly about their postpartum experience. "I think you only talk about it with those friends or acquaintances who have also experienced it." And she adds: "Here, in Holland, it's not that it's a taboo, it's that everything difficult about postpartum is considered part of having a baby, that it's implicit, so you don't have to complain too much about it. It's the Dutch style." In contrast, Alex (NY, mother at 37), of British origin, had many friends tell her "about the terrible hormonal days they spent crying during the first few weeks and, although I didn't experience it personally, I was glad to know it was a possibility."

From Teresa's point of view (Madrid, mother at 36), it's a historical issue because, traditionally, saying that having a baby is hard "gives the impression of being a cold mother." In this sense, Virginia points out: "it seems that women are obliged to say how fantastic it is to be a mother. How complete one feels after giving birth. But bringing a child into the world is very beautiful but also very complex. We need to normalize the process of how the new format settles into your life. I think that, in some way, mothers with whom the maternal instinct didn't work, nor the immediate falling in love, are still stigmatized, and it's a terrible mistake on the part of society because attachment is built day by day." Núria adds: "even on social media I see many comments from people attacking other women who explain that their motherhood was not rosy, calling them bad mothers. Everyone should express themselves as best they can."

According to Anna, another topic that is not well-regarded is that of visits. "During the first few weeks, not everyone is ready to receive them as your body and mind need to rest and adapt to the new situation." Virginia, for example, remembers "too many people and everyone giving their opinion and me totally exhausted. I was grateful to return to normality when I was alone with my daughter." In this sense, midwife Rosa Alzuria highlights the role that, according to her, the partner should play. "He is in charge of being attentive to the mother's needs, both physical and, above all, emotional" and, from her point of view, that includes restricting visits if necessary. "Postpartum is the time to nest and meticulously and respectfully care for the new family's space. It is not a time for long visits, nor for master classes indicating points to improve with phrases like he's not latching well, he's hungry, your milk isn't nourishing him, don't spoil him with your arms, let me do it, I've raised 10 before you… messages that, I believe, are given out of affection, but that hinder more than anything else," she assures. And she adds: "it's about empowering mothers."

BE CAREFUL WITH EXPECTATIONS

Alzuria has observed that "postpartum is seen a little worse when the expectations you had do not match the reality you are living." Alex, for example, comments that the time he spent "talking with many friends while they were living their own birth experience" helped him to imagine postpartum "objectively." Nuria, on the other hand, believes that "erroneous expectations" played a trick on her. "I still can't believe it remembering how I thought I was going to continue with my life as if nothing had happened, with a perfect child who wouldn't cry or cause problems," she comments. Perspectives on one's own physical appearance can also be a problem. The effects of the episiotomy –"my biggest concern was the stitches" (Mireia)–; the surprise produced by the fact that "there was no baby there anymore but I still had a 5-month belly" (Mercedes) or the concern about whether the body "will ever return to what it was" (Alex) are aspects often socially disregarded but, in the self-esteem of the puerperal woman, they hurt.

The reality is that, although there are as many postpartums as there are maternities, there is only one thing all mothers agree on, and that is choosing what is the best part of the experience: meeting that little person that they and their bodies have been capable of creating and bringing into the world.

FROM MOTHER TO MOTHER (II)

You are doing incredibly well: trust your common sense and enjoy the moment without feeling guilty. It may be that one day, or many, you feel tired, overwhelmed, sad…even wanting to leave the baby with someone, for a while. Not knowing how to delegate tasks related to the baby or even the house will not make you a bad mother. Anna

It's hard, very hard, and it's an emotional slap, but it's also temporary and worth it. Mireia

Don't feel bad for feeling bad at a time when everything is supposed to be fantastic and you can't complain. Ask for help if the new situation overwhelms you and try to project the horizon, because everything will eventually rearrange itself. Virginia

You are doing well. Motherhood is intuition. Let yourself be helped. Flee from know-it-all mothers or whose children – they say – are more than perfect. In your children's eyes, you are the best mother. Mercedes

The most important thing is that everything passes and that with time you no longer miss the person you were before because you like the one you have become much more. Nuria