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he first noble truth of Buddhism is that all life entails suffering. The loss of a loved one, illness, natural tragedies, the deterioration of our faculties due to aging, or mistakes that, although small, can lead to significant consequences, are inherent facts of life's journey that can appear unexpectedly at any moment, completely altering the gravity of things. Life is never perfect, and everyone, at some point or another, has to face what Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's COO and one of Silicon Valley's heavyweights, calls "Option B." To a large extent, our success and happiness will depend on how we face these events.
In Sandberg's case, this traumatic episode appeared unexpectedly during the 2015 holidays, when her husband died of a heart problem, leaving her a widow with two young children. In the magnificent book Option B (Conecta), Sandberg, assisted by psychologist Adam Grant, explains the personal testimony of how she and her family overcame this painful loss and moved on with their lives. Through Sandberg's first-person experience and Grant's theoretical knowledge, author of the essential Originals, the text addresses the various phases involved in any period of grief and many of the techniques, mechanisms, and ideas that can help us overcome the most severe adversities and regain the joy of living.
Developing this capacity for resilience implies, in addition to intelligence, perseverance, self-compassion, and self-confidence. These seem, in principle, simple tasks, but they are not so much and, in many cases, are counter-intuitive for our brain.
The book, which is both a beautiful love letter from Sandberg to her late husband, constitutes a powerful practical manual on how to strengthen one of the most important mental muscles: resilience. Resilience is not an innate talent, like almost everything in life, but something we can exercise and develop with will and practice. Resilience, Sandberg and Grant point out, ultimately emanates from our ability to appreciate and be grateful for the good things life has given us, and from our intelligence in knowing how to accept the not-so-good.
Developing this capacity for resilience implies, in addition to intelligence, perseverance, self-compassion, and self-confidence. These seem like simple tasks, in principle, but they are not so simple and, in many cases, they are counter-intuitive for our brain. For millennia, our brain has been programmed with a whole series of mechanisms with the aim of ensuring our survival. For example, one of the genetic inheritances we share with our most remote ancestors is the fact that we tend to remember more and better the bad than the good, the painful than the pleasurable. In fact, forgetting many things is an involuntary exercise. Imagine we are in a forest 13,000 years ago, and our hunting and gathering companion bends down to take a bite of a forgotten mushroom at the foot of a tree and dies the next day. Remembering this event and thus being more cautious when ingesting mushrooms from the feet of trees (no matter how hungry one is), is much more important than remembering how fun it was the other day when we swam in the river. I mean: knowing how to accept our imperfections, our mistakes (the big and the small), knowing how to live with them, overcome them, and keep moving forward is never an easy task. Self-compassion often coexists with the powerful feeling of guilt, among many others, which should be controlled and repressed so that they do not limit our personal growth and potential. Writing, which is synonymous with thinking and reflecting, working on self-confidence, having faith in others, exercising a sense of humor, thinking about the good things that happen to us every day, being grateful, or celebrating "small victories," are some of the techniques and mechanisms that, exercised and strengthened in the form of habit, improve people's character and allow us to face life's adversities with greater solvency. The above implies changing, improving, and assimilating the maxim that overcoming adversity depends on our will and our attitude, both solutions that are within ourselves. As Albert Camus wrote: "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." From trauma, if one wants and works with faith and optimism, one can emerge strengthened, antifragile.
This is why it is so important to educate children with the capacity for resilience. Not to overprotect them, to respect their sphere of autonomy, and always give them confidence. One of the key aspects in this ambitious endeavor is found in the nature of the relationships between children and their parents, educators, and friends. It is advisable that in our interaction with the little ones we are able to transmit these four ideas: (1) that people have some control over their lives; (2) that our mistakes and failures are invaluable sources of learning; (3) that all people are unique and unrepeatable and that already makes them important; (4) that everyone has strengths that they can share with others. In short, Option B is a wonderful book on the theory and practice of resilience, a key virtue for living a brave and meaningful, and therefore happy, life.