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eproductively speaking, the human species is very inefficient. In most mammals, 90% of sexual encounters during the fertile period result in pregnancy. In the case of humans, the probability of it happening does not even reach 30%. Like in the lottery, time and persistence improve the statistics. According to figures from the Spanish Fertility Society (SEF), at 3 months, the probability is 57%; at 6 months, 72% and at one year, 85%. The second year it reaches 93%. On average, we will need about 108 coitus to achieve it. And that, in couples under 30, healthy and with sexual activity during the woman's brief fertility window. The older the age, the lower the percentage of probabilities and the more attempts and time will be necessary. All this, without taking into account that there are many more factors –medical, physical, and habits and environment– that can influence the process.
Getting pregnant voluntarily is not easy. You spend your whole life finding out. Many years investing in contraceptive systems and, when you decide to have a child, the probabilities, already in decline, take you by storm. At first, sex is abundant, chaotic, romantic. As the months pass, it becomes practical, mechanical, aseptic. One eye is on the calendar and the other, on the thermometer that measures your basal temperature or on the texture of the fluids that stain your panties. Early habit changes arrive: eating this, not drinking that, doing and stopping doing things "just in case." Meanwhile, pregnancies overtake you on the right and spread around you like a cold. But your period doesn't arrive. Another month, another period. Your blood begins to turn into your own failure.
A CONTRACEPTIVE CALLED STRESS
Surprise. Bewilderment, worry. Anger. Sadness. Rage, guilt. "If you", "if I", "if us". Anxiety. The vicious circle of emotional negativity begins to spin and you get trapped in it like a hamster in heat. Furthermore, biology turns against you: the more stress, the lower the chances of getting pregnant. A 2010 study by the University of Oxford showed that women with the highest levels in saliva of adrenaline and cortisol (two hormones produced by the body in response to stress) saw their fertility reduced by 12% compared to those with lower levels.
The solitary responsibility of observing your own body (which suddenly reveals itself as a complete stranger to you) and the pressure of trying to perceive fertility signals you had never detected before increase anguish, loneliness, and guilt. How to relax then? Undoubtedly, sharing all that weight – including that of monitoring your body – with your partner can help to cope with it. Sincere and open communication and special care for intimacy will be basic requirements to prevent the emotional cracks that the process opens from growing too large.
"MY FRIENDS' PREGNANCIES MAKE ME ANGRY," A TRUE TABOO
Meritxell Sánchez, a psychologist specializing in perinatal psychology – the field of psychology specialized in emotional conflicts linked to maternity/paternity – is used to hearing this phrase in her practice. "It is normal and frequent for women who are unsuccessfully trying to conceive to feel that it only happens to them and that other women get pregnant quickly and easily," says Sánchez. "It is also common for this to produce a feeling of anger that, at times, pushes them not to want to meet with pregnant women," explains the psychologist, co-founder of the Spanish Association of Perinatal Psychology (AEPP).
Anger over other people's pregnancies is an enormous taboo. "I'm envious, selfish, a bad person," the feeling of guilt repeats like a mantra. Solution: keep quiet – "how to say it? who would understand something like that?" – and pretend. Meanwhile, anger perfects its trench thanks to silence and, from there, stones self-esteem until it leaves it k.o.
But the reality is that, as in any other conflict, denying or ignoring it only makes things worse. Meritxell Sánchez advises doing the exact opposite. "The best way to combat a thought is by accepting it, without judging, denying, avoiding, minimizing, or invalidating what we feel." And then? Talking about it helps. With friends, with other women in the same situation, with specialists. "By verbalizing it, we become more aware of what we think and feel, so it is easier for it not to make us suffer so much. Furthermore, when what happens to us is socially visible and the pain is taken into account, without being silenced or denied, we can better integrate that experience and begin to repair the trauma," says the psychologist.
TO HELP, IT'S BETTER TO LISTEN THAN TO TALK
"–You'll see: when you stop thinking about it, it will happen"; "–Come on, woman, it's not that big a deal"; "–And, the baby, when?" are common phrases that take off clumsily and with good intentions and land like sniper shots. Silence hurts, but help, sometimes, does too.
Helping the environment become aware of what we are experiencing involves specifying our own needs aloud and asking for the help we need without hesitation. At the same time, it is urgent that, as a society, we learn to chatter less and listen more. No one expects us to solve their problems, only a certain amount of accompaniment and empathy. But how is that done? Meritxell Sánchez makes this proposal: "we must ask how are you? and what do you need from me today?; listen actively, without offering advice if not asked; validate and not judge what the other person feels and, above all, say nothing when we don't know what to say. A hug or an I'm sorry can be the best help."