If dying is something so natural, why is it so hard for us to talk about it? There are cultures where it is talked about much more. But in ours, it is a taboo subject. And it's not surprising, because it is also true that, while death is natural, it is also the end of life and we, in some way, are programmed to stimulate its continuity. Furthermore, from the moment nature establishes sexual differentiation as a means of reproduction, for life to continue, two beings have to communicate with each other. That's why I always say that we have come to this world to celebrate. But we have also come to care. It is very stimulating to see that, among archaeological remains from about 35,000 and 50,000 years ago, people have been found who are known to have needed another person throughout their lives to live, who always had someone close to them to care for them.
Speaking of caring and the end of life, why is good communication important and what does it consist of? Good communication would be one that gives the patient a certain degree of emotional well-being. And we can give it to them, first of all, with kind treatment. Kindness is one of those qualities that are accepted in all cultures of the world, what would be called a "cultural universal." Everyone wants to see a kind face, hear a kind voice. And in the most difficult life situations, such as illnesses, whether terminal or not, it is necessary.
And what role does silence play? Silence, in our society, is seen very negatively: it is as if it provokes distrust, as if it hides something. But we should also educate ourselves in knowing how to be in silence with another person, in enjoying silence, because it is a fundamental value to make someone feel that we are there with them.
How does one care without speaking? In the case of a person in palliative care, compassion is very important, but understood as in Eastern philosophy: sharing an emotion with the desire that the other does not suffer. There are many communicative strategies we can use to make someone feel better. And all of them are very ancient emotions. A smile, for example, is about 25 or 35 million years old. It started as a ritualization of showing teeth to communicate "don't worry, I won't hurt you," and has ended as a sign of affection. Look, when people ask what happiness is, one way to approach it is this: stimulating the neutralization of pain, of physical and moral suffering. They are very connected, they are found in the same area of the brain.
Any specific communicative strategy you'd like to recommend? First, take great care of your voice. We are mammals. The first mammals were very small animals, that lived at night and in caves, and had to greatly incentivize the production of sounds to communicate with each other. This communication through sound has passed through genetics to us, to which we have added language. But we must never forget the element of sound: that our voice sounds kind.
Then, it depends on the person, but, in general, touching and holding hands is something that people really like. Because touch triggers the production of oxytocin, which reduces anxiety. In addition, holding hands has enormous symbolic value: culturally, it is the most important sign that someone is not alone.
And, if there is more intimacy, stroking the head. If you notice, monkeys constantly run their hands over their little heads. It is intuitive wisdom, because, by touching their heads, brain connections in areas like the neocortex or the prefrontal cortex are stimulated, which greatly influence emotional well-being.
And how can we know when it's better to speak and when to be silent? You have to know how to listen to what the other person needs. Get to know them, or ask, because listening is also asking. My mother will soon turn 100 and I am very aware that, after much talking, she needs a little rest. But this is something you have to interpret for yourself. That's why we need empathetic people, who are capable of recognizing the other's state. Not only the mental state, but also the emotional one. And ask, for example: "Would you like to rest for five minutes?"
And this empathy, can it be learned? Of course. What happens is that, in education, emotional intelligence has been very little developed. Emotions have also been a taboo. And we have forgotten that a large part of knowledge grows on an emotional basis. In the constitution of the brain, emotions are about 200 million years old, while reasoning is about 100. The people we choose to have around us, the studies we do, the memories we keep... are what they are because they have touched us emotionally. Emotions help to store memory and greatly influence the success of something. For me, for example, talking about these topics excites me, I have a special affection for them all my life.
You always say that communication is a gift... When we come into the world, in our backpack of innate elements, I believe that the ability to communicate is probably the most important. Because in communication lies the basis of the continuity of life. It allows us to relate to others to reproduce, it allows us to be alert to dangers. And it is nature that specially prepares us for it, which, in this sense, has given us the gift of the ability to communicate.
Photography: Clara de Ramon
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